Sarah Beths World

Girl in me

2012-02-01T18:00:00.001-08:00

Today I managed to feel relaxed most of the day. I feel happier ,my appointment with the gic is near ,i am anxious but feel good about finally getting to the gic.

Tonight I cast my mind back to how I felt last Tuesday. I was in weatherspoons and I could see myself ,complete ,by complete I mean with a vagina and breasts , sitting down to pee like any other normal girl. I long for that day to come.

I some times worry what hormones will do to my health and worry what will happen if you cant get hormones forever. I worry about dying. My last fear is one that was drummed in to me as a child and that is fear of not going to heaven for changing my body, my dad kept telling me things like if you vandalise your body that god gave you, you wont get in to heaven. I like to think if there is a god and he created us all ,then why would we be born wrong?. Why would be punished for not wanting to suffer from gender dsyphoria anymore.

Fear

2012-02-01T03:49:00.001-08:00

I wish I could stop being scared. Iv had a phobia of taking medication and a fear of dying which has lived with me for a very long time. I am working on these fears with the help of my friend Kate. Its getting easier and better but ,still not pleasant feeling scared ,thinking that hormones are harming you and thinking that you see going to die.
I want to live to see the day that I am complete.

My life seems so much better now ,then it was back when at the beginning of 2011. The journey has been and tough and my rabbits where a victim of my transition as I had to rehome them when I moved home. Transition put a strain on my relationship with my family. Luckily I didnt lose my family and I am forever greatful for that because I love them dearly.
Sarah x

Lost soul

2012-01-22T04:30:00.001-08:00

I shouldnt really make life changing decisions. I am no good at making the right choice let alone know which one is right. I let fear rule me and let it effect my choices.
In a perfect world I would be normal and happy and have a life. I am past saving. I dont agree with society. Because of my gender issues it makes getting work a whole lot harder ,no work means not being able to afford to live. People send you abuse online and maybe some day there will be abuse on the streets. I dont want to go back to living as male. I dont want to suffer anymore. My mind is broken and my soul lost ,maybe one day I will be with my sister and.everything will be ok and this life will be a distant memory.

Low

2012-01-09T03:59:00.001-08:00

Life would be easier if I passed away. I would like to cuddle up in bed with floopsey and go to sleep and never awake again.

I fail at life. I dont want to stop taking hormones and being on them scares me. I would be better off dead.

Sarah x

Fear

2011-12-26T15:08:00.001-08:00

Iv been doing a whole lot of worrying lately about hormones. I fear the side effects and the worry is making me ill. I thought I overcame my fears. Will I ever overcome them? I am unsure.

Hormones yay

2011-12-13T08:26:00.001-08:00

After a lot of upset and seeing a new Dr I was prescribed Progynova and iv been taking 9 days now.

Only thing iv notices is that I feel happy and my emotions seem to have come back ,before I started I pretty much felt numb.

When I started my T levels where low which pleased me. hopefully I wont need T blockers.

Only time will tell, I will keep my blog updated more over the coming months.

Sarah x

3 weeks

2011-10-23T12:06:00.001-07:00

3 weeks until my appointment with dr curtis ,how time drags on when your in the middle of no where.

Feel ,lonely ,emotional and i cant eat like i used to, find myself wanting less food. I used to love my food but not so much lately.

If only i could hubernate for a couple of weeks until my appointment. Instead I am just trying to go out daily.

I love coldplay's new song paradise ,been listening to it all day.

Sarah x

Blood tests etc

2011-10-23T08:32:00.001-07:00

Only a few days to go until I go for bood tests, very anxious. My parents I think dont understand and I dont think I can help them understand. I think I am getting worse lately. When i read books I only get the gist of what the book is about ,on some chapters I get lost and my memory is not very good.

I keep forgetting stuff.

I maybe should sit down and talk with my parents about stuff but I just feel that they dont want to know. I could give them the info sheet I have on hormones and I know they would not want to read it.

I am happy being myself "a girl". I just wonder some times if there is any hope for my future or am I condemming myself fo a much harder life ,but I know if i am not true to myself and deny who I really am then I wont have a life, not to long ago I was close to removing myself from this world. When it comes to it I do whatever it takes to be myself ,no matter what happens I will continue to move forward.

Sarah x x x

Freezing

2011-10-18T13:42:00.001-07:00

It's been freezing today ,Cold got to my head because I didn't take a jacket. All wrapped up warm now, with the girls.

Can't stop thinking about my next appointment with Dr Curtis.

Just thinking about when I pick up my first prescription. Hopefully the weeks will pass

Long overdue update

2011-10-16T17:38:00.001-07:00

A lot has happened these past few months.

Things got bad at home ,I had to leave , I lived with a friend for a week and it didn't work out.

I stayed in a b&b for a while and eventually I came back home. It was not long before I broke down
In to tears. To cut a long story short iv been living full time at home for a while, I have been spending time with my friend up in London "I can't thank her enough and I doubt I would be a life if it was not for her"

Iv been to see dr Curtis and now iv got to wait for blood tests and hopefully I start hormones. This month seems like the longest wait of my life and to be honest I feel lost, I am just moping around the house , trying to sort things out but my heart longs for my next appointment with dr curtis and to see my friend again.

I can only imagine how I will fell when I pick up my first prescription for hormones. I think it will be a emotion day.

Driving ya car

2011-03-31T14:32:00.000-07:00

Today i booked a driving lesson and it was rush hour but all went well. I drove for two hours which was longer then the usual "instructor was confident that i could handle driving further".

We drove through town and in to the shopping area ,did parking, turns, roundabouts.
without me knowing where we where going he lead me to this big junction "everyone i know says that ,that particular junction is a nightmare" so i was like OOOOOooohh Noooooo. My instructor talked me through it and i did it hehe it was no big deal.

I came home and we did some emergency stops along the way back. He told me to get it up to about 40mph and then when he says stop "slam on the breaks" and that is what i did.

When i got back in there was a letter waiting for me from the psych and it looks like i can possibly get a referral to the GIC.

Very happy indeed. I feel positive and happy ,confident and calm but not all at the same time he he.

Happy

2011-03-30T13:24:00.000-07:00

I found out that the psych I see can give me a referral to the gic
She wants me to see a psychologist to backup my case and if all goes well i shall get a referral to the gic. Feeling very good about things and happy. Just wish my family could understand.

Stars

2011-03-27T14:54:00.000-07:00

'Wherever I lay my hat, that's my home.' So goes the song. But why would a person with any discrimination want to live wherever they lay their hat? We all need to feel that we belong somewhere and that we have a very special place in the world which can be our shelter from the storm. Some doubt now hangs over your future. It is time to resolve this and to work towards a greater sense of security. Events this week will bring a series of revelations and some surprisingly positive changes to your situation"

This was my stars for today and when i read it i cried. Maybe i read it wrong but it just feels true what cainer said.

The whole where i lay my hat thats my home but why would you want to lay your hat there if there is discrimination. There is a lot of doubt about my future not knowing where i will live or if my family will be a part of my life. I hope and prey that events this week reveal things and bring positive change.

I cant stay living here much longer because i dont feel like i belong i just feel hated as a woman under this roof.

Happy

2011-03-26T16:24:00.000-07:00

I can't want wait to live the rest of my life as the girl that I always knew I was.
There is hope and I will carry on no matter what. I believe you should be true to yourself. I know I could no longer live a lie anymore the day I decided to reclaim my life and fight hard to make my life as a woman happen it is a long road and some times frustrating but I will get there in the end.

Sarah x x x x

Longing

2011-03-25T15:52:00.000-07:00

I am longing for the day I life full time. Wishing I could present myself as female and just be me.
It's killing me inside because I am so near to transitioning but it feels a long way off
If I could I would leave tomorrow but that day will come soon. I love myself for once and i love who I am
I used to feel self hate. I remember times my family wore me down by keeping on my cAse about my hair being long and I gave in and got it cut short and I looked in the mirror and felt bad inside. That was about A year ago and now it's grown back finally and in a
Month I plan on getting a feminine hair style. Would love some red highlights.
Feel so emotional and crying alot.

Sunshine

2011-03-25T06:37:00.000-07:00

I love a nice warm sunny day like today so I decided to get out and get some exercise and enjoyed a 8 mile trek through the countryside.
Just having some lunch and it sucks having to watch what you eat but I just stay strong and eat what I need and lately that has been just 3 meals a day nothing more , nothing less. Had blueberry oats for breaky small piece of chicken for lunch and sweet and sour chicken with rice then nothing else until tomorrow. Food does not make me feel as happy as losing weight does :)
It feels good to fit in to smaller clothes and drop Andrews size or two.
At the moment it feels like I am playing the waiting game I got to wait a month for my next appointment to try and get a referral to the gic
Then wait more for an appointment at charring x but it will be worth it in the end.
Sarah x x x

Just another day

2011-03-21T08:46:00.000-07:00

I took a friends advice and got in touch with pals to see what my options are but when called the manager was busy so he said he will call back. I buried my head in work so I did not keep watching and waiting for the phone to ring.
If the Nhs route does not work out In 4 months time I can go private.
Just on my way back from a 12 mile bike ride on my 1960's bicycle feels good
I am goon to keep this up and lose weight for hrt. I need to lose about 2 stone. Gotta dash and get back for driving lesson.
Sarah x x x

Down by the sea

2011-03-20T07:04:00.001-07:00

It was lovely down by the sea feeling the fresh air in your lungs seeing all sorts of things fr dog swimming in the water to seagulls. Feels real good. Got a ton of photos "will post some layer in when I get back" I got some photos if boats n all sorts. Hopefully I will het to drive again today. If your in Kent you better watch out for me being let lose in the road lol.

Sarah x

Feelin good

2011-03-20T05:37:00.000-07:00

Iv not posted in a while iv been feeling a bit low about the psych appointment where I feel they are giving me the run around. Last night I saw some photos someone had linked to on their website the pictures where of a trans woman they where photos taken over a period of 13 months and I saw her and it hit a nerve because it made me remember how much I want to be myself. I went to bed early in tears. There will be times where things will go ass up but I will keep my mind on my goals ,stay focused and work through issues like the one with the psych and if that does not work out I will save and go private. Just off to the beach catch you soon Sarah xxxx

Rant & vent

2011-03-14T15:21:00.000-07:00

I am so peeved with how bad things are in good old england. The government crap on the people and your rights are thrown out of the window. I am sick and tired of fighting to the bitter end to get anywhere.
No more will I put up with being fobbed off I am going to stand up and be heard.
I am going to fight for my rights.

PTSD

2011-03-14T10:17:00.000-07:00

I was told today that I have symptoms of PTSD "post traumatic stress disorder"
And they said I should see a psychologist but the Nhs don't seem to want to refer people for psychology
My psycho sexual therapist keeps pushing to get me a psychologist
But well the Nhs and mental health seem to be unhelpful. I don't have a lot of money but if I have to I will go private that way I will get seen for sure.

I know the Nhs has to budget but the amount of red tape and bs it's just sucks. The amount they waste in over pescribing pills they could be spending on other things "end of rant".

When I saw the psychosexual therapist today he asked about my past and I ended up remembering traumatic events from the past and it was like he lost me my mind was not in the room it was back in the past and I could see the traumatic events like I was back re living those past events again and I had a panic attack and burst in to tears.
20 mins later I wasnfeeling unwell so I decided to meditate which helped me to calm down and feel safe again.

Driving at weekend

2011-03-12T16:50:00.000-08:00

Today my driving lesson did not go very well I find it frustrating keep making mistakes and not being able to change gear and get the clutch right.
So I am to sleep on it and if I still feel like changing over to manual driving in the morning then that is what I shall do
Learn to drive a manual and never have to mess around with stupid Clutches ever again.
I just can't stomach the stress and anxiety when I keep stalling the car just because I came up on the clutch to fast or not enough.
Today the instructor got moody with me. "no Sarah you came up on the clutch to fast do it slow and give it more gas"
"I am not going to bother telling you any more Sarah to take the hand break fully off we will just ride around with it on all of the time"
By the time he had ago at me for not looking in the ring place when i reversed I was having an anxiety attack and asked that he take me
Back home :( having one less bit if stress and one less thing to worry abot by taking a automatic car out I will a happy girl
Would even be more happier with a female driving instructor.

Worried

2011-03-11T19:29:00.000-08:00

It's 3am and I can't sleep. Feeling I'll and full of anxiety and paranoia
Have driving lessons tomorrow. Breathing feels messed up. Maybe anxiety. Sounds crazy but I breathed in some dust and I worried in case it's harmful and as I say it's probably just me being paranoid. I hate being paranoid it scares me.

Scared & Lost

2011-03-10T16:46:00.000-08:00

I feel scared and lost but weed makes it all feel better. It's not the answer turning to drugs but it's the safe fix in my mind.
What scares me. Not knowing where my life is heading , what I want or what will become of me. Driving today scAred the crap out of me
Stop ,start remember this remember that "hey Sarah your in the wrong side of the road"
It feels so daunting.

They say I'm doing good and it's only my second lesson but it scares me being in the driving seat feeling like I am winging it.
I don't have much faith in myself.

To escape reality I get high. I don't ever get high when I'm driving as that is wrong and dangerous.
Sarah x

Laser

2011-03-09T06:50:00.000-08:00

Just came out from having had laser hair removal and it did not hurt as much as last time
However there was a few places that where painful
They only charged me the old price which was nice so I saved £10 which will get me to college and my appointments next week.
Just waiting for a train and feeling pretty calm and centred
Not liking the heat from the sun on my skin as I am supposed to keep my skin cool.
I got mixed feelings about my appointment with the p doc next week
Not sure if she will give me a referral or not and not sure how to feel about it.
I love my feminine side but still worried about the risks of srs.
Got a bit of anxiety I always do have after having laser treatment.heading back home shortly to see my folks and clean the bunnies out "love them lots".

Would love to go shopping but things are a bit tight this month.
I met this nice gal from friend of the Earth and we got talking about photography.
A few mins and the train should be here. Just listening to one of ray william johnson's
Songs on YouTube he takes me laugh.

In to town we go

2011-03-09T04:25:00.000-08:00

Sitting here on the train and Passed Yalding station and it seems like yesterday I was there waiting for my friend I gave her my laptop to help her out and then she sold it. But anyways such is life.
Just waiting around for my appointment.
Can't wait until tomorrow when I take my driving lessons.
Feeling kind of lost right now. My parents wanted to know why I was going in to town nosey buggers I was not going to tell them that I am going for laser hair removal I would get a lecture on how Its wasting money.
Gotta run.

Sarah x x x

Laser

2011-03-08T17:00:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is laser hair removal can't wait. My folks got the hump because I shaved lol.
Laying here feeling sedated I love this feeling I feel at peace now.
I can't take any sedatives tomorrow or the weekend as I am taking driving lessons.
I also rediscovered one of my favorite past times which is taking snuff
I love the smell of snuff n good old sp no1. This week I am also going to experiment with blue lotus
Which was said to be a sedative in egyption times. It can also produce a feeling of euphoria
But ithey say it's not been approved for human consumption in the us.
Drugs Are not really my thing but I like sedatives to help me relax some times. I never take anything hardcore. Maybe a little pot in tincture form to help me sleep at night.

Unwell

2011-03-08T10:44:00.000-08:00

Iv not been feeling very well these past several days just feels like all the energies been sucked out of me
And find myself not being able to do much without feeling exhausted
Not felt like eating much either I hardly managed to finish my dinner.
I picked up some wheat grass to try and see if that helps.
Soon I go for my next laser hair removal session and not sure how i will feel after a day out in the city.
I am going to try get a early night tonight. Maybe it's my body trying to adjust to my new sleeping routine because I am all upside down.

Varooom

2011-03-05T09:42:00.000-08:00

Just back from first driving lesson and it was great and the instructor said I was quick picking things up and that I should be proud of the breaking that I did. He said that most students do a lot of stopping and starting at first however I didn't :)
I got the hang of changing gear doing the cock pit checks and gas
It was great but very nerve wracking.

I got two lessons next week and I can't wait. My instructor is a very nice man.
Was so pleased hehe :)

Fish n chips yum yum yum

2011-03-05T05:43:00.000-08:00

Watching what you eat is no fun some times so today I gave my self a break and had fish n chips from the fish n chippy.
Enjoying lunch befor the two hour driving lessons.
I am not very nervous which is a relief. Got some stick today about my long hair
Then my mum said "I have a question for you but you won't like it, have you been taking hormones. Be honest".
I said no and it takes a year or so before they start you on hormones.
Her reply to that was "I can't understand why you would want to do that to your body".
Anyway I feel happy for once with my life.I know I am far from the place I would like to be but yet I am much closer then ever
I am happy being feminine And if anyone has a problem with that then it's their problem.
If I wana to take hormones I will if I'm pescribed them.
I am a big girl and I know the risks or hrt.

Nite

2011-03-04T15:23:00.001-08:00

Laying here listening to tv taken something to help me sleep looking forward to tomorrow
Learning to drive.
I sorted my shoe problem out. Found some unisex shoes online
Unisex is good :) they are pink too x.

Please god give me strength to better my life and to help others.

Iv been so tearful today.

Forum

2011-03-04T10:00:00.000-08:00

Feeling a bit bashed after someone online said some harsh things about me
I just feel sometimes people online take Theo insecurites out on other people and today I was on the recieving end of that. Picking up the pieces after your past has been unkind is a hard task but it gets easier with time.
Throughout my past I lost my education as I was pulled out of school early due to bullying
And several years ago I was attacked and almost died in hospital
I was depressed and anxious after and it's taken a lot of therapy
And hard work to pick up the pieces. In the past iv made my fair share of mistakes
And can only hope I can find redemption for the mistakes I made.
I am try to build a more stable future where I can be myself.
I am going to try my hardest to make it to college and work as a nurse
Times will be hard and in don't know if my family will want to know me anymore when I live life as a woman
I love my family inwould do anything for them but I can't change who I am and live as a male for them.
I believe it would be unfair if I found a girl settled down and had kids and then one day I transitioned I could not do that and I could not be someones husband or a farther to my children "if I had any".

I would never wish this in anyone and I can't help but think life would have been ok if I was born the correct gender.
I do not believe that I will pass being so tall but I don't need to pass to be myself and to be happy I know deep down I am a girl
And no one can take that away from me.

This year will be trying but I will make it through.

Cex

2011-03-04T06:36:00.001-08:00

Went to cex they only wanted the spare lens 4 cam so went to pawn shop
They wanted the cam ,paid cash yay. I am all set for the next couple of weeks.
Just waiting for a bus. Can't wait for laser hair removal next week. Picked up a cheap movie in town
Called "Rachel Getting Married" can't wait to see it. It was playing in the exchange shop and looked good.
I can't wait to go to the city next week for college.
I got my hopes pinned on becoming a nurse.wish I could share that with my family
But they won't understand, it's like they don't get me.

2011-03-04T04:09:00.000-08:00

Waiting around in town really blows. Just selling my old cam to get some cash to get in to college next week
It takes a couple of hours for them to test it and they might not buy it.
Cant dip in to the money iv saved for laser hair removal. If worst comes to the worst I can either sell the lens,s or my phone :(
But I think it won't come to that.only an hour left to wait.
Going do get a sausage roll while I wait.
Tomorrow I have driving lessons and early next week college and then laser hair removal.
My beard hair has reduce quiet a lot and I am pleased with the results.
Got to run.

Sarah x x x

Mobile

2011-03-03T09:23:00.000-08:00

I am back now I got blog on my mobile. This year I lost my pet snuggles
He sadly passed away. I am nearly out of debt with my folks.
I am going to try to get in to college to become a nurse "health and social Care studies".
I. Finally grown my hair long and my family well they are giving me a hard time over it.
I love going to the city as that is where I will be studying. Lovely shops and sights and things to do.
I may leave home In the coming months depending on how hostile things get at home.
It's good to be a able to blog from my mobile and to tweet all the sights I shall be seeing
It's pretty cool having unlimited wifi and mobile Internet.
I am learning to drive at the weekend. Things are looking up for once.
I love who I am and I can't wait to live the rest of my life as the girl I know I am.
Sorry if there are any typing mistakes in this it's tricky to type on a touch screen when your used to a keyboard lol.
My folks still think that I am throwing my life away but I beg to differ.
They would have a fit if they knew that I wanted to be a nurse.
I love helping people and I like to believe that I care about other people.
This is the year that I break free.

Sarah x x x

keep on trucking

2010-06-27T05:19:00.000-07:00

Its been a strange week but its also been a time for self improvement. My focus up until Friday was just worry. I worried about the future and how i am going to achieve my goals of learning to drive ,move out and live full time as a woman. Simple it may seem but i worry about the best way to reach my goals.

I got college again possibly in a few months time. Questions i ask myself are.

How long shall i go back to college for? 1 year , 2 years? get a diploma , a A level.
When college is over what shall i do then. I know i want a full time job not sure what i want to do but i am willing to try anything that i am capable of and i am pretty good at picking new things up.

When i apply for jobs i will make sure i let them know about being transgender because i cant just show up at work in guy mode then all of a sudden one day come in to work as a woman.

How ever long i am at college i am taking this time for self improvement. I am not perfect and i have my flaws but in time i hope to better myself.

What is important to me right now is losing weight ,stop smoking , Saving up for hair removal.
I think at college i may end up going just for a year as its part time and i can do part time work as well as my course.

I am pleased that i feel calmer and i feel good about the weight loss. Every month i check my weight and i will be the happiest iv even been when i reach 15 stone and i know i have the will power to do this. Yesterday i burnt off over 2000 calories i ate less then that
and i just got to keep it up. I can go longer and faster the more fit i get and i feel good.

This is the year i turn my life around. Can i undo the years of unhealthy living? i have a good feeling that i can.

What will make me happy is looking in the mirror when i reached my target rate
and hopefully no more plus sized clothes.

Knowing whats got to be done

2010-06-15T04:03:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was one f***ed up day i am sick and tired of arguments with my family. Yesterday i had just about as much as i could take and the more this happens the more i know i got to leave this place. It just reminds me of why i do not want to be here.

This week i am saying f*** it and i wont be around much. Get out of the house as much as i can going see some friends and i have a few appointments and i am going to find a new hobby to and that is making things. I always fancied trying to build stuff from scratch like electronic parts
its some thing that has always interested me.

When there are things that you can buy but they are cheap crap and you can build a better one from schematics. You just get the part numbers order the parts and a few hours of soldering and you got yourself a home made "whatever" from fm transmitters for your ipod to mp3 players
to fly zappers the list goes on.

So i am going to take a whack at this week see what i can build without giving myself some sort of shock from overloading the electronics.

Just some thing to keep my mind occupied until college starts again.
Anyways i got to get sorted and get out of this place

"Run for the hills i say"

Sorrow and rage

2010-06-11T05:34:00.000-07:00

I throw my hands up and admit iv not been a nice person to be around this week iv been full of anger and sadness. When i see my therapist everything i thought that was black and white is not.

I thought i should not be feeling this angry or sad but she said that if she would have been concerned if i was not angry. She says its a part of the process and things are moving.

Once you learned to bottle your feelings up for so long eventually they will find a way of overflowing and coming out.

This week it happened to me and the anger flowed followed by sadness. I have not been proud of the way iv been this week no one likes to be snapped at and iv been snapping a lot. Iv found better ways to deal with my angry and ways of letting it go.

apparently last time i was angry i let it out by cycling 17.5 miles being pist off that day made me get on my bike just go get away from what was making me angry and a few miles in to that bike ride i had let off a lot of steam.

not sure if i got accepted in to college i got to wait 3 weeks to find out. until then just got to keep on trucking.

Ride

2010-06-08T08:50:00.000-07:00

I think i said in my last blog that i was going to try and go further today when i went out for exercise. Well there was bad air at home i packed up some food and drink. One bottle of water and some oat biscuits and i set off of my bike.

I clocked up 17.3 miles across country went past two train stations on the way a good slice of that route was uphill about 1 mile of it was down hill " that was fun" put my cycle in to the highest gear and went as fast as i could down the hill.

I passed many places even a old spit and sawdust pub two churches lots of sheep and cows. I only ate a little on the journey i was not hungry at all. The flavored water to was nice.

I stopped every now and again for a rest. When i had reached the 12 mile mark i stopped and listened to music for a little while.

It made me feel good when earlier i was feeling low. give me the countryside or the seaside anyway and a long walk or a bike ride though there and it just feels great.

before i left there was a argument and i cant stand being here much more.
Now is time to put a plan or two in to swing in order to move to a better place.

i will increase the monthly payments on my debt it should be cleared in 5 months with the little i have left over i will take up driving. In my spare time i will master cooking "photos will follow"
and i am leaving this place never looking back.

I cant be around negative people who are negative a good 80% of the time. I sit here and wonder how i have the mental strength to hold it together and to move forward and then experience all this negativity anxiety and depression caused by bad air at home.

For once in my life i am going to concentrate on what i want.
The one think i want is a life where i only have to look out for myself i do not have to live in a space where there is negativity that drives me to anger and then depression. I want to live in a place where i can wear what i want act how i want and do as i please and i can express myself without fear of being judged or labeled and having lectures on how i am no good and how i should be out finding a girlfriend and getting married and having children and living like other normal men when in fact i want to be a woman and i am 100% sure about that.

i will still be the same person my family always known and the door will always be open for them the ball will be in their court and i will to meet them half way. If they do not want to know me and stop putting me down then its up to them.

i do not want to not see my family again they have been a big part of my life since forever and i love them even after all this.

some guy online the other night said i should respect them and get my hair cut and take my piercing out so i dont embaress my family but that is one thing i wont do.

it took me ages to grow my hair and i love my ear piercings i don't want to lose either. I could understand if i was living here rent free but i am not. I am a tenant here to and i pay my share of the rent so i feel i should have a voice.

Anyways i enjoyed today and who knows what tomorrow will bring.

Today's photo i have added fluffy

I also want to add this link to a website called the girl effect which is a website worthy of viewing
its called the girl effect

http://www.girleffect.org/

It has a beautiful intro

Dreams

2010-06-08T03:28:00.000-07:00

These past 24 hours i felt very stressed but i am calm now. I just keep thinking about the future and how things will turn out but its no good worrying about the future no one knows what the future will be. I keep trying to remember this.

I had the weirdest dream last night the first part was to do with stress/anger and a story of how the anger and stress just caused nothing but trouble. I think that was a warning.
The other part was about my appointment with the psychosexual therapist and in my dream i went in guy mode and the therapist never took me seriously because i went as my male self.

I want to go as my female self and i guess the dream gave me more motivation to go as my feminine self.

I felt a bit down last night about my weight i feel like iv been trying hard to lose weight eating less exercising more but i felt like iv not lost anything and because of that i ate a lot last night.
I felt this way when i went on one of those machines that tell you your height , weight ,bmi etc
and it says i am 3 - 5 stone to big for someone my age and height and i got to lose 10 of my bmi.

Me i will over do the exercise some times and i just feel pushed to go further now. when my dad was my age he would do 50 miles in a day on his bicycle me i do about 7 to 8 miles.

if i start cycling in to town and back that's 14 miles and if i started doing that when is start college i can get in there for free by cycling and save money and help with the weight loss.
today i am going to attempt to cycle further.

I will be happy when i lost 3 stone and iv stopped smoking. Being over weight i just feel that i wont be able to start hrt or get srs and also i could not do as much before i started to lose weight
and what sucks to is that i was limited to what clothes i could get there is not as much of a range of clothes and not that i buy much designer clothes but most of the designer clothes are kind of skimpy and some shops only go to to a size 16.

So i am determined to do this and i have been doing this exercise stuff for over 2 years now. I have lost 4 stone and i got 3 - 4 stone to go.

I would join a gym but i feel that is a waste of money when you can walk yourself fit or cycle and you get to see more and get fresh air while you are doing it and on a sunny day its lovely going out.

the blues

2010-06-06T06:15:00.001-07:00

today i decided to explore my sexuality and i got some sex toys. "well anal toys" and decided to try them. I got some lube and gave it a go and i enjoyed the experience. i worried a little because i felt sore after. Also felt ashamed after to.

I was brought up to believe that anything like that is wrong. I don't however feel that there is anything wrong with it.

i felt like i like men for a while never acted upon it but there is something about men that turn me on so much. i would not say i am psychically attracted to men but more sexually attracted.

strange as it sounds i would be happier being with another mft woman like me. I feel like i would not date men i would not want to spend my life with another man "may change when is tart hormones in the future who knows" but i can see myself spending the rest of my life with another woman and if she be trans that would be fine with me.

guess that would make me a lesbian or bi.

i am happy being me and what ever my sexuality is ,is fine by me.

Pussy

2010-06-04T13:47:00.000-07:00

This after noon i stopped at the pub on the way back from getting a fish n chippy down by the beach and i was sitting in the beer garden and Lilly came over to see me

I was pleased to see her "the lady at the pub told me her name".
Lilly loved a cuddle and was a happy little cat.

She posed for a few photos "glad i took my camera out".

I had taken a few photos today. I will leave you with these photos while i sit here cooling down "to hot" drinking some ginger beer Yummy

Walter

Garden Angel

All in all its been a nice day

Good savings

2010-06-04T08:38:00.000-07:00

I went in to town and i went to the body shop and saves £15 on make up so i ended up with some nice mascara some lovely eyeshadow and some tinted lip balm. I was tempted to get blue eye shadow but was not to sure.

I found a good tutorial on youtube on how to use mascara & eyeshadow. I had taken some photos too. I got a few weeks to learn a bit more about makeup where i struggle is with covering my beard shadow hopefully i will master that in the near future.

In a months time i shall have enough money to look at laser hair removal on my face area. My plan is to get treatment on my beard and possibly my eyebrows to make them look more feminine
but i will be glad about the beard the most. I cant stand having a beard.

I was growing it because that kept my family off my back about my long hair. but today i said enough is enough and shaved the whole lot off.

I am looking forward to my appointment with the therapist in town in a few weeks time i am a little nervous about it but i am happy. It means a lot to me and iv waited for this day for a very long time.

Looking back on the past few years i never thought i could be closer towards the life i want to lead.

Back then i would say 3 - 4 years ago i kept thinking about the day i lived as a woman and i could picture myself in my home living life as a woman being happy because i could be true to myself and not have to live a lie anymore.

now my appointment is near and i may get a referral to the gid clinic and by the end of the year i shall move out of my family's home go find a place to live and as soon as that happens i will be living full time as a woman and it will be such a relief.

I will be going to my appointment as my feminine self and to me its a big step as iv never left my home as my feminine self. I am a little worried but non the less i will be going.
I wonder what it will be like going out as my female self
only time will tell. Wish me luck.

sunshine

2010-06-04T04:03:00.000-07:00

Well its a lovely day outside and i am home alone. through no choice of my own. Not feeling to well today. However i am going to try and walk in to town. I did something stupid last night use my toys without lube. Kinda worried about that.

But trust me to do thing like that before i think.

Anyways i am not letting the fact that i got left behind today ruin my day. I am going to charge my phone and then go in to town. Get some e45 cream because the guy i was talking to at McDonald's
he said e45 cream is very good for eczema. I have eczema pretty bad
from my back to my legs and everywhere in between.

Iv tried every cream under the moon but not e45 because the last time i used it ,it hurt like hell but i been told that it is meant to do that so i will give it another chance.

I like the guy at McDonald's felt quiet awkward when he first started coming over to talk to us but then i got talking to him and he is cool.

I am also going to take my loyalty card in and get some mascara and maybe some foundation.
Iv not got the hang of foundation yet. Last time i guess i got the wrong shade as i kind of looked like a clown.

My skin is a lot better then it was 5 months ago. I believe what trigger this big flair up of eczema was when i came out to my family last year they said some things that really hurt and next thing i know after feeling low for a few days my skin flairs up.

long time coming

2010-06-03T09:55:00.001-07:00

Its been a long time since my last up i really should blog more and i am going to.
A lot has happened since my last update.

I finished college which was something i thought i might not do but i did it and i am pleased with myself. I started counseling with one of the best therapist iv met. I got a referral to see the psycho sexual therapist and i am happy about that.

Iv grown my hair long had it colored ,got my ears pierced to.

Home life is not changed. My family have a issue with me being my feminine self. I have to leave home as soon as i can which should be by the end of the year if no sooner.

I am very angry and upset when i am at home. I think its because i am not happy here.
but things are moving forward. Looking back on this year iv worked through a lot of my troubles iv managed to finish college and i am going back to do another course.

as soon as my debts are cleared i am leaving my parents and i just don't want to look back.
its really dragging me down being at home. I will leave and i will live the life that i want to lead.
i love my family and i love my pets i like quiet a lot of things about my life but i cant be my feminine self here so its time to move on.

Iv been trying hard to lose weight and iv dropped a dress size which has made me happy.
My ideal weight will be 15 or 16 stone and iv never stuck with diets or fitness in the past
but for almost a year now iv managed to cut back on what i eat and walk for miles "7 miles or more a day".

one day i will be my idea weight and i will be proud of myself for achieving that. I am proud that iv managed to stick with this. Next step is to cook healthy food.

I was brought up with a lot of junk food in my life from cakes to chocolate to fatty foods and even though i was brought up with it i can change nothing is set in stone.

now the only chocolate i touch is dark chocolate which is better for you then milk chocolate so they say.

Tomorrow i will be shopping for my first lot of healthy foods. I am looking forward to it but on the other hand i kinda get carried away looking at the labels some times the calories and the fat and all the other info.

I nearly had a fit when i found out about some of the stuff a certain fast food place used "cough cough mcdonals" I heard so many things about what they put in their milkshakes and i when i go there i just have a plain chicken thingy.

I am looking forward to the future i know there are a lot of things i still have to deal with life wont be peachy at times it will be darn hard but i will be myself ,my feminine self and i will be happy as that is the one thing i want out of life well that and to have a job and a roof over my head and 3 square meals a day maybe a lover.

If all else fails keep calm and carry on. That is all you can do.

Long time (Update)

2009-03-27T04:15:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time since my last entry. I have come out to my mum and she said that she would not want to see me as a woman and said i would have to move out. I have felt deeply hurt. I cry a lot and feel low a lot. Yesterday i cried so much that i felt ill.

I cant shift this sadness and hurt and i cant deal with it either. I have had my fair share of hurt ,upset and abuse in my life , From a early age i was bullied at school right up until i left school
as a result of this every time i get upset i break out in a rash which when it gets bad it bleeds. I have been suffering from anxiety ,clinical depression & panic attacks since my teenage years.

My speech is plain and pitch less as a result of the depression and my face shows not much emotion. I bottle most of my emotions up. For a long time i thought that crying was wrong so iv always tried to hold it in. Iv tried my very hardest to keep my emotions and feelings bottled up.

Recently i realize that it is ok to cry there is no shame in it and i have been crying a lot because of my parents reaction. I have two best friends and one of them i came out too when i was 18 and she has stuck by me and been very supportive.

My other friend he will not want to see me anymore. Some of my relatives and family will not want to see me anymore. Most of the time i think its down to ignorance because they think men who dress up as woman are sick and just do it for the sake of it and they think we are all like that
and they cant see past that drag queen image "no offense to drag queens".

I think that is why they think it is sick they do not know that trans people dress up as woman because they feel that they where born in the wrong body.

The one thing i want out of life is to be happy and content i do not care if i have a lot of money or become rich or have a lot of material things just as long as i find my happiness and peace of mind have clothes on my back a roof over my head and 3 meals a day. Not everyone in their life can say that they are content with their lives.

I for one and not happy or content. I have a place to live a lovely family 6 pets which i love dearly i have money in my pocket to live off of. Some people would be happy with that but i am not because i cant be myself.

I know that one day if i do not do what it takes to make me happy i will give in to my depression & the suicidal thoughts that go with it and i will leave this world.
Iv been back and forth to the doctors so many times they put you on pill after pill which does not help and does not give you much relief if anything it causes all these nasty side effects.

I had tried marijuana about two years ago and it helped me cope with the hard time i was going though. Since i moved house it was hard for me to get but my friend helped me get some.
I have been taking it for nearly a week now and within a few mins of me smoking my sadness is gone i feel happier and such relief and before i could not sleep at night i lay there and lay there feeling worse until eventual i drift off about 3am or 4am.
Since i started smoking i feel like eating ,i feel like sleeping and i feel more able to cope and process what is going on in my life that causes me such sadness.

The side effect i find is indigestion which is easily cured with a peppermint.
People judge me for taking this medicine that i would save has helped me and stopped me from taking my own life.

I am not using it to escape i use it to help me too deal with my emotions and to process them and think clearly for long enough that i can find the answers i need in order to make positive changes in my life so that i can move forward.

I know for sure now that i am going to move out i am going to learn to cook i am going to loose weight and find a stable job that accept trans people i am going to get enough money to live on and i am going to be a woman or die trying.

I am not 100% sure what route i am going to choose to achieve my new life. But i do know that come monday i will be trying to start my road to transition i just hope my doctor understands and gives me the referral i need.

I hope that some day my family will understand. I will end this post with one question.

Why is it such a great crime to be happy? just as long as your not harming anyone.
The way trans people get treated some times by their family you would have thought that it was a great crime too be happy and to be yourself. I believe that it is far worse to live your life as a someone that other people want you too be and end up feeling so low that you do not want to live any more. To me that is the worst thing you could do too someone.

I cant live a lie anymore and if i have to pay a great price for being myself then so be it.

Shoes & Update

2008-01-02T15:38:00.000-08:00

I managed to find a shop that sells womans shoes in my size which is cool. I plan to go and visit them soon to get my first pair of womans shoes. I am really excited.

I start college next week too but i am uncertain what the future holds or where life is heading. I got to try and sort driving lessons out soon so that when i pass my test i can go out as Sarah and hopefully meet others like me.

Its a very emotional time for me right now i cant stop thinking about the future and part of me is afraid of the unknown i have no clue what i will be doing in this new year and after college. Maybe this year will be good for Sarah to get out there and to move forward.

Happy new year everyone.

2007-12-28T14:06:00.000-08:00

I found out just now that i can get custom made shoes any size from nike's website. You can even order mens shoes and choose the colour (pink) style and have your own personal tag (logo) put on them all for £160 delivered.

Expensive i know but who owns personalized shoes? not many people

Sales

2007-12-28T09:26:00.000-08:00

Today has been the first time in for months that i have been shopping for all things girlie and the sales where on so that was a bonus.

They did not have many clothes in debenhams but i did manage to get a collection of nail varnish and nail care stuff and also a bag with lots of lip gloss ,lip pencils/liner & some lipstick in it.

I also went in to another clothes store and got some thongs in the half price sale.

One of the girls in the store was laughing and i her her whisper about me having a good look at the thongs but i did not care so much i would have done in the past but it makes me happy buying lingerie and tops & trousers I would like to get some shoes too but i am never too sure what shoe size i am in womans shoes but i should find out.

Who knows what a sizer womans 8 shoe would be in mens size a mens 5 6 7 8 9 i do not know but when i find out i will add it to my blog.

I was worried about how on earth i was going to hide all this stuff i brought today although my parents know that i buy this stuff theres still that awkwardness but luckily they did not find out but i stopped and thought if they find out they find out i no longer want to hide the things i buy so if they do see the stuff when i have been shopping then so be it.

I just think that if i can express my feminine size without worrying what others think then that will be a step in the right direction. Eventually i would like enough confidence to be able to go out as Sarah.

Not too sure what the futures going to be like regards to my feminine side i might transition i might not but Sarah will always be a part of my life even if i can only dress part time or full time.

Update

2007-10-15T09:55:00.000-07:00

Alot has happened since i last posted. I have been working on my anxiety and depression and its alot better now.
I also got a voluntary job which has helped build my confidence.
Also went to paris where i saw a transgender mft i saw her twise the second time round 2 french guys seems to be giving her a hard time.

I have never seen any transgender people offline before.
I am currently exploring my feelings and finding myself it may take some time but i will get there hope to make friends and meet new people along the way and also hope to find out who i am.

I am starting to love life more and i enjoy getting lost in photography and shopping.

Also today i am looking back and thinking about the bad hurricane back in the 80,s i was just a kid when it happend remember being very scared but lucky my family and i where safe do not think some people where as lucky. We just lost out washing and some tiles from the roof. others had much more damage.

Lets hope that england never has any other bad storms

Its not just hurricane but the floods and other bad weather we have had in the past have effected the uk too.

Anxiety

2007-08-24T02:39:00.000-07:00

When i woke up this morning i had a anxiety attack i still have it now i think i know what caused me to have a anxiety attack. I think its because i am feeling sad because i cant be sarah i got to be rick but i dont know how much longer i can live like this. Even though my parents know how i feel but i still have to hide.

I got to go to the dentist soon so iv had to remove my nail varnish and perfume and i have got to go to work after so i get to spend a good slice of the day as rick.

When is this going to end. I know that help is not far away i have just got to wait until the 12/09/07 but it seems a long way away.

Once i paid myh parents back for my laptop & camera which should be in 2 months time then i can save up my money get driving lessons and then i can learn to drive pass my test and then go rent a place on my own.

then i can be sarah and have a full walldrobe of womans clothes and have make up and i can have pink bed sheets and go out to events as sarah.

I just got to hold on untill then.

counseling 23/08/07

2007-08-23T05:59:00.000-07:00

Today has been a very emotional day i went to counseling and we talked about my gender issues for most of the session.
I expressed my concerns surrounding my parents and my family and loved ones. I fear of losing them if i live as a woman i think i might lose some of my friends and family they may not want to know me any more.
my counselor said that she thinks that maybe my parents and i need some time apart and then they in time they may be able to accept me for who i am.

I got a appointment on the 12th sepetember for my depression and my counseloer wants me to tell the doctor about my gender identity issues she said that they will be able to offer me help.

I have a really good counselor and i am lucky shes the best counselor i have ever seen. She has given me alot of support and advice.

i know that eventualy i will have to move out of my parents and get a place of my own and a better income so that i can be sarah full time.

I am not 100% sure if i want to change my body but i am 100% sure that i want to live as a woman full time.

I feel very tearfull today i also have a headache from where its has been hard to deal with my feelings and emotions in counseling.

In the past i have tried to ignore my feelings and it was hard but its just as hard to live with them i do not think i will be happy until i become sarah and it is going to be
really hard and its going to take alot of time and effort to be who i want to be.

I just hope that some day my family can try and understand how i feel and that i just cant turn my feelings off and live as a guy.

my mum says i should hurry up and get married and have kids and i would love for my mum to have grand children but i cant live like that i cant get married and live as a guy having to hide my feelings and fight them.

I have done that in the past and every where i turn i see woman ,womans clothes feminine things and it hurts me too much so that i cant cope.

I will post about the outcome of my appointment on the 12th of next month hopefully i should getting closer to get the help i need.

(sarah)

Long Day

2007-08-19T14:25:00.000-07:00

Well today has been a long day. I went to do photography for my cousin's christening and The church service was not good at all the man of cloth or what ever you call them was not very organised he kept rambling on and on. Also i am not christian and its like the church people expect you to say all these things about your sins and other christian religious stuff and if your not christian it can get a little too much but i did my best ignore it.

I was thinking to myself that if the vicar knew i was transgender he would more likely have had a field day trying to convert / save me.

Apart from that i got some nice photos of the christening i got 1 good photo of the baby in her dads arms and she looks so happy so it was worth it all just to get that one good photo for my cousins parents.

I got to edit them and print them tomorrow i got quite a few orders from family members.
I just wish i could have kept my nail varnish on for the christening but i would have felt awkward
If my counsins family saw me with nail varnish on.
I did not enjoy the party after the christening i like my counsin but herhusbands family and relatives are snobs they look down on people who do not have alot of money and i hate those kind of people.

You shouldnt judge people for the money they have or havent got.
After the part i went to see a relative to fix their laptop and then i went fishing with them and caught my first fish it was a good sized one too my friend found a lizzard and that was cute it was only a baby lizzard it had tiny feet.

now i am home and glad to be back i have been out since 8am its nearly 11pm and i am about to spend some quality time putting my nail varnish on and putting my feminine night clothes on.

First Post 18.08.07

2007-08-18T14:39:00.000-07:00

This is my first post for those who do not know me my name is Sarah Beth i am a transgender mtf.
I have had feminine feelings for as long as i can remember these feelings have got stronger over the past 3 years and i now find myself at the point to where i cant hide my feelings and emotions any more.

I love being my fem self its brings me much happiness but i cant live as my fem self as much as i would like to its because i still live with my parents and they cant accept me as being sarah.

I have decided that its best i try move out of my parents house i love my parents but i cant carry on pretending to be who i am not. If any when i get to move out i will try living full time as a woman.
my goal is to have hrt & srs if i stay living with my parents i will never be able to do that as i would have to live as a woman for 2-3 years before i could have srs.

The only time i get to be sarah is when i am home alone or when i am in my room. I wear womans clothes under my man clothes and i wear nail varnish on my toes as its consealed.

This week has been good i managed to get counseling and talk about my gender issues and i will be getting more support and help that i need and if i want too i may be able to move out of my parents soon i have x ammount each month i can put away towards renting a place or i could just save that money and buy a place in france.

I have also been doing some retail therapy i brought some nice lingerie some make up a epilator so that i can get rid of all that awfull hair for longer and also a lovely necklace.

I got a lot of issues and stuff to fae ahead of me and its not going to be easy at the best of times but all i know is being fem makes me happy i feel like my true self living as a guy just seems like one big lie to me and no matter how hard its going to be or how risky some day i will be sarah 24/7 or die trying.

There are times where i look at my body and hate what i see i also hate my life as a male and i have alot of changed to make i know what i have to do its just setting these things in to action and changing my life hopefully for the better.

I will try and post as much as i can about my journey to woman hood.
Thank you for reading.

Sarah Beth x x x x x x x